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Young children are constantly reminding parents that they pay attention. They鈥檒l do this in surprising ways, offering up new thoughts, actions, and especially words. Sometimes the choices are funny and impressive. Other times, what comes out of the mouths of children between ages 5 and 8 is not as adorable.

Namely, they swear.

It might be one word. They may not know what it means. You may not know where they heard it. Unfortunately, unwanted language is everywhere. 鈥淵ou can鈥檛 prevent them from being exposed to it,鈥� says Jacqueline Sperling, PhD, clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard Medical School. found that by 8 years old, children know 54 taboo words. At that age, the most frequently used words are along the lines of 鈥渟tupid鈥� and 鈥済od.鈥� But by 11 and 12, there鈥檚 a shift where the top two become decidedly more adult-like.

Children imitate swearing in others

鈥淚mitation is a big part of development,鈥� Sperling says. Children see and hear what鈥檚 said after someone stubs their toe or yells at another driver, and they decide to try it. Part of this is emulating a sibling or parent; part is attention; part is the reaction. Does it get people upset or get a laugh? The feedback can be encouraging, which is why it鈥檚 good to remain initially neutral, she says.

Home is also a safe place to get upset. That鈥檚 why children have meltdowns when they get back from school. After a day of following rules, they need to let go, says Dr. Eugene Beresin, executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

How can you handle swearing?

Fortunately, children this age are becoming more socialized, particularly through school. They know that adults act in ways that kids can鈥檛. For example, Grandpa yells expletives at the television while watching a football game. They also know that there are different rules for different places 鈥� they don鈥檛 go to school or the supermarket without their pants on. 鈥淭hey understand context,鈥� Dr. Beresin says.

So, consider context. If swearing is rampant, you most likely would have heard from their teacher or principal. Still, it鈥檚 not something to encourage. Kids still need occasional reminders of rules to live by.

When you hear swearing, try these guidelines:

• Take a beat before you say anything. You don鈥檛 want to give unwanted behavior too much attention, Sperling says.
• Ask why. Then, suggests Dr. Beresin, follow up with, 鈥淲hat were you feeling when you said that?鈥� You might tease out that they were angry or frustrated.
• Problem-solve together. How else could you say that? What are some mad words? What would you say if you were at school or Grandma鈥檚 house? 鈥淵ou鈥檙e building their repertoire. Our job of parenting is to give them tools of what to do and say in different settings,鈥� Dr. Beresin says.
• Explain acceptable behavior. If the word was directed at someone else, clearly express that this isn鈥檛 acceptable. 鈥淚t鈥檚 an assault, and we don鈥檛 assault other people with words or physically. It鈥檚 out of the question,鈥� Dr. Beresin says. Also explain that people make mistakes and apologize for them.
• Encourage understanding through questions. How do you think that word made the person feel? How would you feel? How would it make you feel if they said sorry? It all helps build empathy. When they show empathy, praise them. Support the behavior that you want to see, Sperling says.
• Be concrete. 鈥淵ounger kids don鈥檛 understand subtleties, but they understand good/bad, yes/no, that鈥檚 the way things are,鈥� Dr. Beresin says. Keep it simple: Swearing is something that adults do. It鈥檚 done at home, not in the store, a friend鈥檚 house, or the doctor鈥檚 office. Give examples of school rules they already know to reinforce context: You don鈥檛 cut in line. You don鈥檛 get up from the lunch table. The teacher doesn鈥檛 swear.

Building blocks for future success

Along with curbing bad language, you鈥檙e creating an environment to talk about feelings and building their social and emotional learning. Dr. Beresin says it鈥檚 an area that gets neglected, even though it鈥檚 essential for future success. 鈥淧eople lose jobs because of social gaffes and conduct,鈥� he says.

Your exchanges don鈥檛 have to be perfect. Kids can fumble with their language; parents can as well. It鈥檚 important that you鈥檙e modeling appropriate behavior, you apologize if you slip, and that the dialogue stays open and supportive. That consistency will help as conversations become more complex as children get older.

鈥淲e want our kids to be able to reflect and talk about their emotions and behavior, and be able to consider other鈥檚 people emotions and behavior,鈥� says Dr. Beresin. 鈥淭he earlier we start on this stuff, the better it is as a building block for their future.鈥�